View Full Version : start of another story...opinions please
Nocturnal Stillness
31-01-09, 20:04
Hi guys/girls Ive started working on a short story for an anthology and would like some opinions on it so far.
"Hey!"
Todd smiled and turned to face the speaker. The podgy fist that connected with the side of his head took him completely off guard. The blow sent the youth sprawling to the floor. Todd looked up and found himself staring at Stanley David; the self-proclaimed bully of St Gregory s High school. Without a word Todd got up slowly and went to walk away, Stanley called after him.
"Hey shrimp when you going to leave our school. You don t belong here."
Todd clutched his hand making a fist. He really wanted to punch that stupid Stanley in the face. But it would be a futile gesture as the bully was a top class boxing champ. Todd would get creamed in a one on one fight.
"Leave me alone."
"Ha, what s little shrimp like you gonna do to me?"
Stanley laughed out loud and smiled as he continued to walk towards Todd. His pace certain and confident, but he paused confused as the lights in the corridor began to flicker unusually. Todd noticed it too and suddenly got the urge to run as far away as possible.
A sudden plume of smoke appeared between the two youths. Then as the smoke cleared there it was, a strange impish looking creature, standing at about three feet tall with dull greyish skin and green eyes. The creature smiled revealing a mouth full of small but sharp teeth. Todd noticed it was carrying two small boxes, one in each hand. With another smile it tossed one box to each Todd who fumbled and dropped it and Stanley who caught it easily.
"A gift for you." The creature spoke in a soft voice.
Todd just stood there frozen to the spot. Stanley called him a moron before opening the box straight away. Don t! Screamed a voice deep inside Todd s mind, but of course the bully never heard it. The box snapped open and Stanley peered inside.
What actually happened next Todd wasn t sure. Stanley opened the box and looked inside then something jumped out the box straight into his face. Stan never even let out a cry of pain or anything his body just went limp and he slumped to the floor. Without knowing why Todd just knew that he was dead.
The creature smiled and then realised that Todd hadn t opened his box yet. It pointed at him with a frail looking arm that ended in three small talons. It made a jabbing motion at the box.
"Open it child, NOW." It hissed at him.
Shaking violently Todd felt compelled to do as he was told and he opened the box. He looked inside and saw nothing. It was empty nothing happened. Todd let out a sigh of relief and looked at the creature. It looked confused.
"Are you human?" it asked perplexed.
"Of course why?" Todd asked just as confused.
"Well I am a Pandora demon. I give mortals one of my boxes and they usually die when they open them. But nothing happened with the box I gave you...wait a minute maybe you are what he seeks?"
Without another word the demon vanished in the same way he d came. Leaving Todd alone with Stanley s body, without knowing why Todd went and crouched by the dead bully just as one of his teachers entered the corridor and she let out a high pitched scream...
Well thats it so far...opinions please
This is the start? If you ask me its incredibally rushed, way, way, way too much of the plot is given out, if its a story then tell it like one, build up the characters, build some tension, some suspence, until you do that it wont become a story, I know its a long process but if you want to do something well then dont rush it.
Nocturnal Stillness
01-02-09, 17:13
This is the start? If you ask me its incredibally rushed, way, way, way too much of the plot is given out, if its a story then tell it like one, build up the characters, build some tension, some suspence, until you do that it wont become a story, I know its a long process but if you want to do something well then dont rush it.
thanks for replying. Might I ask what you think the plot is? You say that Ive given out way, way, way too much so you should be able to tell me where the story is heading?
I wrote it so the story hits the ground running. the purpose of this part is to introduce Todd briefly and reveal to him the fact demons exist.I suppose the tension could be better built up with the demon and the boxes but I intended it to be swift and leave the reader guessing what exactly happened.
Thank you again for replying and keep up the opinions. Critiques are always important
Okay, here is the honest crit: All telling and no show. Its basically, Todd does this, Stanley does that. The dialog needs some work ...
"Well I am a Pandora demon. I give mortals one of my boxes and they usually die when they open them. But nothing happened with the box I gave you...wait a minute maybe you are what he seeks?"
Thats just awful, to be brutally honest :P
Nocturnal Stillness
04-02-09, 12:25
Okay, here is the honest crit: All telling and no show. Its basically, Todd does this, Stanley does that. The dialog needs some work ...
"Well I am a Pandora demon. I give mortals one of my boxes and they usually die when they open them. But nothing happened with the box I gave you...wait a minute maybe you are what he seeks?"
Thats just awful, to be brutally honest :P
:lol: that what I get I guess for trying to write somethin quickly. My writing is acting like snakes and ladders in its quality at the moment. Keep up the opinions I really need to hammer the gremlins :lol:
what i meant by i know too much of the plot is that there is so much story crammed into such a short space that nothing you say will catch me off guard, if that makes any sence?
Nocturnal Stillness
05-02-09, 11:57
what i meant by i know too much of the plot is that there is so much story crammed into such a short space that nothing you say will catch me off guard, if that makes any sence?
ah fair enough Ill have to have a tinker with it some more, thanks.
for one, you should start by describing the characters a little, dont need to go into much detail but its good that we know what a todd is so to say, while its good to leave some things for people to imagine, if you just give them names people will easily forget it tihngs and well... your story will lose interest much sooner, at least describe characters when they first appear, its very important if you want to keep the readers interested.
Also, dont just. he says this, he says that. ill give you an example.
Its night, there is no noise, so much, that the silence gets to be a bit disturbing.
A man stands out in the middle of the streets, as there was no one else there at this hour.
Feeling his chasers had already lost his trail, the man lowers his hood, revealing a scared face, the scar seemed to trespass his left eye, however the eye itself was fine, extending itself to the nose and stoping halfway bellow the right eye.
The man was tall, however didnt appear to be very strong, he had dark hair to match his eye color, and worn old raggs whose original form could not be guessed anymore.
he carried a small sword in the left of his waist, in which he rested his right hand at all times, ready for anything that might need its attention.
While he took his time to rest, he unadvertedly lowered his guard, and before he knew it, a hand touched his shoulder.
Swiftly, he draws his sword and faces that direction.
There he sees a little child that turns to him and asks.
Who are you mister? ive never seen you here before? an outlander?
The man puts the sword back in the scabbard as he says calmly.
my name is Alan, from the land of askabard.
The child looks at him, hair to toe and asks.
What are you doing here?
Alan thinks for a while, it would be inconvenient if someone where to know he was running.
Im travelling the world, and i thought i would rest here.
The child smiles a bit and says.
Well then, if you want to stay here, you have to do me a favor.
While Alan did not find it the least amusing to be ordered by a child, he conceeded, as the longer he stayed in the streets. the higher the chance of being spotted.
The child asked him to get a toy, he lost climbing a tree, however, he fell and ever since, had been to afraid to go get it back.
To Alan, it seemed like an easy request, as such, he starts climbing the tree. However, as his hand reaches for the toy, the tree branches grab him and as the child comes closer to him, it reveals its true form. A one winged demon, with ruby colored eyes, and a serpent tongue.
Alan tries to set himself free, however the branches of the tree were stronger than his arms.
As he was about to give up, he hears a voice.
Human, swear yourself to me and you shall be saved
Alan looks to the direction of the voice to find a man, wearing white clothing, having two white angel-like wings and a golden crown.
In such a sight Alan simply has no doubts.
I pledge myself to you!
As he says this a strange mark burns itself into his skin, and the angel like creature says.
As such, you are now my possession, possession of Forneus! a duke of hell!
As he says theses words, currents rise from the ground and chain Alan, releasing themselves from the ground shortly, and quickly hitting the tree with furious strength.
The tree, however strong it was, could not stand for the power of forneus minions and quickly perished, with most of his branches...
I was getting a bit carried away, however i hope this gave you a bit of a basis:P (and yeah, its a hell of a cliche, but i had no better inspiration for improvising XD)
Its always good to research a little into religions and things and taking some references. (exemple: forneus)
But the most important thing i wanted to point here, was the way you should mix action with dialogue, and try to make the events flow more naturally, even if they are supposed to be surprises.
Avoid starting things in a dialogue, since setting up things is good for keeping attention focused on what you want people to focus on, and when people talk, dont make them just say things too fast, make some chit chat in the process, its more human, gives it a conversations feeling.
(the way i wrote it was still a but rushed nontheless but anyway, keep trying, and posting, youll get better with practice.)
Nocturnal Stillness
08-02-09, 15:25
Here is another short story I did in june 2007, its very short and is rated 18+
it got some nice comments on the forum i originally posted it on. So enjoy...
****SPOILER WARNING ****
this story is rated 18+ so you have been warned!
****SPOILER ENDS****
The dagger plunged into the man s throat, the razor-sharp tip piercing his jugular. John could only watch in horror as the man s pleading quickly turned into a gurgle. The killer yanked the knife quickly and deliberately to his right. The simple motion tore open the man s throat. Blood gushed from the gaping wound, even as the victim slumped to the floor twitching as his very essence oozed from his body.
John stared at the murderer, he couldn t move an inch as the fear gripped his very core. Crouching next to the body the killer drew the blade across the dead man s clothes wiping the blade clean.
John took another look at the body on the floor and he knew he should try to escape, he dashed for the door. John froze once more as he saw the killer blocking his way.
.John let out a sigh and thought damn mirror.
Was that the whole thing? It didnt have a point, and didnt make much sense in the way it was told.
i cant make a good comment on that one, since you only took a small part, so, to me, his thought about a mirror is completely confusing since no mirror was described earlier.
also, the lack of description makes it confusing to know if the murderer was already in front of john or if he overran him.
though the description and the action seems to flow better than the former storys.
again, even those are half hassed opinions, tending to the fact that we only get a small quote, hence a comment cant be accurate.
Nocturnal Stillness
08-02-09, 19:09
That was all of it.
The point is that at the end of the story it turns out that John himself is the killer. Which is why he thinks Damn mirror, the story describes it in a way that makes the reader believe that he is watching a killer, the fact the mirror isnt mentioned until the end hides the fact that he is watching himself.
The other comments on the forum suggested they could tell that, but considering the comments made here I guess it isnt clear enough.
Thanks again for the comments
Onime-no-Enishi
08-02-09, 19:09
The dagger plunged into the man s throat, the razor-sharp tip piercing his jugular. John could only watch in horror as the man s pleading quickly turned into a gurgle. The killer yanked the knife quickly and deliberately to his right. The simple motion tore open the man s throat. Blood gushed from the gaping wound, even as the victim slumped to the floor twitching as his very essence oozed from his body.
John stared at the murderer, he couldn t move an inch as the fear gripped his very core. Crouching next to the body the killer drew the blade across the dead man s clothes wiping the blade clean.
John took another look at the body on the floor and he knew he should try to escape, he dashed for the door. John froze once more as he saw the killer blocking his way.
.John let out a sigh and thought damn mirror.
I believe this is much better compared to your first one. I like the idea that in the end, it turned out john was the murderer after all (at least i think thats what it meant)
John stared at the murderer, he couldn t move an inch as the fear gripped his very core.
This part, however, needs to be rephrased. This sentence is too much of a factual statement, it cant be ambiguous and it makes it look like as though john isnt the murderer. Try rewording it.
However, if i understood the whole thing wrongly, you can ignore my comments =p
EDIT:
also,
.John let out a sigh and thought damn mirror.
Sorry if Im nit picking things out, but im a perfectionist xD you should put quotation marks or at least a coma to indicate what he thought:
e.g: ...John let out a sigh and thought, Damn mirror...
Nocturnal Stillness
08-02-09, 19:11
The dagger plunged into the man s throat, the razor-sharp tip piercing his jugular. John could only watch in horror as the man s pleading quickly turned into a gurgle. The killer yanked the knife quickly and deliberately to his right. The simple motion tore open the man s throat. Blood gushed from the gaping wound, even as the victim slumped to the floor twitching as his very essence oozed from his body.
John stared at the murderer, he couldn t move an inch as the fear gripped his very core. Crouching next to the body the killer drew the blade across the dead man s clothes wiping the blade clean.
John took another look at the body on the floor and he knew he should try to escape, he dashed for the door. John froze once more as he saw the killer blocking his way.
.John let out a sigh and thought damn mirror.
I believe this is much better compared to your first one. I like the idea that in the end, it turned out john was the murderer after all (at least i think thats what it meant)
John stared at the murderer, he couldn t move an inch as the fear gripped his very core.
This part, however, needs to be rephrased. This sentence is too much of a factual statement, it cant be ambiguous and it makes it look like as though john isnt the murderer. Try rewording it.
However, if i understood the whole thing wrongly, you can ignore my comments =p
Dont worry you actually read it right John is the killer :) thank you for the comments.
Keep it up guys its much appreciated :)
i dont know if he should think damn mirror i think it can be done in a more sinister way
Something like he turned towords the door only to see the killer looking back at him, eyes locked he studied the killer and noticed the blood stained on his shirt. The sight of the blood made john tremble, after all it was his favourite shirt.
Onime-no-Enishi
08-02-09, 20:02
i dont know if he should think damn mirror i think it can be done in a more sinister way
Something like he turned towords the door only to see the killer looking back at him, eyes locked he studied the killer and noticed the blood stained on his shirt. The sight of the blood made john tremble, after all it was his favourite shirt.
haha, hey this is pretty good too xD
Nocturnal Stillness
08-02-09, 20:32
yeah that is a better ending.
as to the damn mirror part in its original form it was in itallics but i copied and pasted it so it lost most of its formatting.
Sinister would you mind if I used your ending as a template if i rewrite it?
not at all, il never be a writer tho i do write as a hobby and its not even out of embarresment that i dont post stuff like my game concepts and stories, i dunno i just write em and sort of feel happy
so do what you want with my ideas
Nocturnal Stillness
08-02-09, 20:36
not at all, il never be a writer tho i do write as a hobby and its not even out of embarresment that i dont post stuff like my game concepts and stories, i dunno i just write em and sort of feel happy
so do what you want with my ideas
thanks :)
you might want to fix up any spelling or grammer mistakes, i am notorious for spelling errors
Nocturnal Stillness
08-02-09, 20:52
you might want to fix up any spelling or grammer mistakes, i am notorious for spelling errors
My big problem is show and tell I never understand it no matter how many times its explained yet it plagues some of my work, not all of it but pops up quite often. To me the story is a bunch of words so Matt walked across the room and Matt strolled cautiously from the door to the end of the chamber the sound of his footfalls loud against the silence of everything else. feels the same to me, after ten years of writing the concept is annoying even though I know it is important I just dont get it though I know I can show just as well,its automatic to me :(
ah you suffer from having a great imagination... err why dont you try like sort of closing your eyes and sort of imagining whats going on when you say he walked across the room, how do you feel etc.? how can you make others feel that way? and try and put it into words
thats the only embarrasing secret of mine that i will tell you so feel honered (or laugh, i dont really care too much tbh)
Nocturnal Stillness
08-02-09, 21:08
ah you suffer from having a great imagination... err why dont you try like sort of closing your eyes and sort of imagining whats going on when you say he walked across the room, how do you feel etc.? how can you make others feel that way? and try and put it into words
thats the only embarrasing secret of mine that i will tell you so feel honered (or laugh, i dont really care too much tbh)
thanks for the advice. Ill have to give it a try.
That was all of it.
The point is that at the end of the story it turns out that John himself is the killer. Which is why he thinks Damn mirror, the story describes it in a way that makes the reader believe that he is watching a killer, the fact the mirror isnt mentioned until the end hides the fact that he is watching himself.
The other comments on the forum suggested they could tell that, but considering the comments made here I guess it isnt clear enough.
Thanks again for the comments
Yup it was clear that John was the murderer (despite the problems in the third paragraph), but what I meant with point was that the story doesnt have one; its not even really a story, its just, at its most, a scene.
To me the story is a bunch of words so Matt walked across the room and Matt strolled cautiously from the door to the end of the chamber the sound of his footfalls loud against the silence of everything else. feels the same to me
Those are the same, both tell and no show.
Nocturnal Stillness
08-02-09, 21:24
To me the story is a bunch of words so Matt walked across the room and Matt strolled cautiously from the door to the end of the chamber the sound of his footfalls loud against the silence of everything else. feels the same to me
Those are the same, both tell and no show.
would you mind giving me a show example for that then please?
You can show Matts actions through dialog, feelings, senses etc. (and most importantly, character) rather than just tell a straight description of whats happening. There are of course, exceptions, but in general youll want to lean more on show than tell.
Nocturnal Stillness
09-02-09, 18:57
You can show Matts actions through dialog, feelings, senses etc. (and most importantly, character) rather than just tell a straight description of whats happening. There are of course, exceptions, but in general youll want to lean more on show than tell.
Thats the thing I never seem to get, regardless of what dialog, feelings or senses I write down Im still telling the reader about it. So it confused me even after all this time :s