View Full Version : Christmas Cracker Jokes :D
draconacticus
09-12-09, 09:08
One of my favourite things about Christmas is the awful jokes we get in crackers, so i thought I'd start a thread where we could make each other groan with the sheer terribleness of it all!
Here are some of my favourites...
Did you hear about the Mr Whippy van driver who was found dead?
Turned out he topped himself.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick :)
What's brown, steams and comes out of Cowes?
The Isle of Wight Ferry
Who's the coolest man in a hospital?
The Ultra Sound guy :P
What's green, has scales and flies?
A dead fish
One snowman turns to another and says "Can you smell carrots?"
And one for Ten...
What is a specimen?
An Italian astronaut :P
chaosriotzero
09-12-09, 12:24
groan....I had my work christmas lunch the other day and once I got a cracker handed to me I pulled it with a friend only to realise that the thing was so rubbish that firstly, it didn't 'crack' secondly, there was nothing inside it other than a toilet roll to give it its cracker tube shape. not even a rubbish joke to tell people! I was rather dissapointed to say the least
damn you took my stick joke already! lol
CaptainCortez
10-12-09, 08:55
Lmao, they're so bad that they're actually good. :p
Yea, I always have a joke with my irish uncle about how silly they are, but he says even still, they always make you smirk. True that. ;)
Patient: Doctor doctor, I think I have a strawberry growing on my head!
Doctor: Don't worry sir, I think I have some cream for that.
Question from randomer: My tree cost me £70 this year.....how much did yours cost?
Answer: Tree pounds fifty. XD
draconacticus
10-12-09, 09:11
Did you hear about the Father Christmas who went to an employment tribunal because he was sacked for breaking his contract on mental health issues? He won the case, it turned out that the Sanity Clause doesn't exist. XD
What's Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
Press this (http://instantrimshot.com/)button after every joke...
Press this (http://instantrimshot.com/)button after every joke...AHAHAAHAHAHA
Question from randomer: My tree cost me £70 this year.....how much did yours cost?
Answer: Tree pounds fifty. XDI didn't get this one...
If the night of 25th December you see an old man, dressed in red that puts you into a bag, don't worry: someone asked something stupid for Christmas!
draconacticus
11-12-09, 10:40
I didn't got this one...
If the night of 25th December you see an old man, dressed in red that puts you into a bag, don't worry: someone asked something stupid for Christmas!
Arf, arf!
How do you know when your dustbin's full of fungus?
Because there's not mushroom inside! :D
I give up, I'm not so good to understand most of them. :sadno:
Arrows, if it's any consolation, I didn't get the "3 pound fifty" joke either.
Most of these jokes are just so horrifingly lame that I have to keep myself from giggling. :)
thezombiemessia
11-12-09, 14:56
Fish swims into a wall. Dam.
:D That's my favourite joke of all time.
draconacticus
11-12-09, 15:12
Fish swims into a wall. Dam.
:D That's my favourite joke of all time.
That is a timeless classic!
What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard!
It's like "A man enter into a café. Splash".
Arrows, if it's any consolation, I didn't get the "3 pound fifty" joke either.
It's the fact that 'three' sounds like 'tree'.
Also,
Man walks into a bar, ouch!
It's the fact that 'three' sounds like 'tree'.Yes, I thought about that... I don't get it...
Why is a panda like an overweight Hitman?
He eats, shoots and leaves.
Whats black, white, and red all over?
A penguin rolling in paint.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
'Just between you and me, something smells."
How do you beat a computer at chess?
Have a boxing match to decide who goes first.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?
It was two-tyred.
Grapes are terrible complainers, every time you squeeze them they give out a little wine.
Why did nobody like the conjoined twin with his brother trapped inside his stomach?
He was full of himself.
How do you know if someone has been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
draconacticus
12-12-09, 19:06
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
'Just between you and me, something smells."
:D
That's brilliant!
What do gorillas sing at Christmas?
"King Kong merrily on high"!
Yes, I thought about that... I don't get it...
It's just a play on words. It's a very, very poor joke and is more cringe-worthy than funny. It's the kind of thing little kids find funny.
EDIT:
While not a cracker joke, I have a joke that I've been telling everyone recently:
'Why are wedding dresses white?'
'Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the fridge and the washing machine.'
chaosriotzero
12-12-09, 20:33
an english man an irish man and a scottish man walk into a bar, the barman says is this some kind of joke?
this one is the best:
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
:blink:
an english man an irish man and a scottish man walk into a bar, the barman says is this some kind of joke?AHAAHAHAHAAH
I heard something similar recently! :D
I give up, I'm not so good to understand most of them. :sadno:
Me neither.
draconacticus
14-12-09, 00:12
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
*read the next line in a thick west country accent*
"I used ta lurve tractors!"
CaptainCortez
14-12-09, 00:27
A man walked into a bar one day, and said OUCH!!!!! It was a lion bar. :p
Not really a cracker joke, but I like this one.
Three soldiers where captured by enemy forces, a dim witted Private, a brave captain and a brainy comms expert, they where due for execution by a high ranking enemy officer, each where brought out. The first is the captain, the enemy officer asks if he has any last requests, the captain looks up at the sky and shouts "NERVE GAS INBOUND!", the officer looks up and the captain runs away. Next, they brought out the comms expert who heard the captain, the officer asks for any last requests, the comms expert sees a plane flying overhead and shouts "airstrike!" the officer dives for cover, and the comms expert runs away. They bring out the private, the officer once again asks "Any last requests?" the private, hearing the other two replies "Fire!"
draconacticus
14-12-09, 21:36
I'm trying hard to think of more, but my repertoire of filthy jokes far outweighs the number of clean ones I know!
Ok.. here's one..
What's brown and sneaks around the kitchen at xmas?
Mince spies!
A kid walks in to a barber shop, the hair stylist says to his customer "check this out, he is the stupidest kid I know, I offer him £1 and a £5 note and he always picks the £1, watch this." stylist calls the boy over, offers him £1 or the £5 note, surely enough, the kid takes the £1 and leaves. The next day, the kid comes in again, the hair stylist makes the same offer, the kid takes the £1, but before the kid walks out the stylist asks "Why do you always take the £1?", the kid replies "Mister, do you think im stupid? If I take the £5 note, the game ends."
Did you hear the loud bang at the christmas party?
It was a cracker!
Santa brings toys to the naughty kids with fire places and coal to those who don't.
draconacticus
16-12-09, 08:18
What's the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
What's the difference between an orange?
One of its sides is both the same!
draconacticus
17-12-09, 08:13
What do you get if you cross sleigh bells with baked beans?
Jingle smells!
draconacticus
18-12-09, 09:48
On what side do chickens have the most feathers?
On the outside!
draconacticus
19-12-09, 23:00
What's white, furry and tastes of mint?
A polo bear!
what did the horse say to it's owner?
- hey
Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon?
-Yes. He stood in front of the fire and melted.
I'm trying hard to think of more, but my repertoire of filthy jokes far outweighs the number of clean ones I know!
Same. I have one that's not a cracker joke and is slightly on the dirty side, but clean enough to be acceptable(I think).
A small boy is sitting in class one day and is currently doing maths. His teacher asked the class a question 'If there are five birds sitting on a fence and a farmer shoots two, how many will be left?'. The boy's hand shoots up. 'They won't be any left!'
'Now think about it', says the teacher, 'If the farmer shoots two birds, how many will be left?'
'None!'
'How exactly did you get that?' said the teacher.
'Well two are shot and the rest fly away!', said the boy.
'Mmmmm, I like the way you think.'
'Now it's my turn to ask a question.'
'There are three woman sitting on a bench each of them has an ice lolly, one is sucking, one is licking and one is biting. Which one is married?'
The boy's teacher went bright red and in an almost inaudible whisper replied, 'The sucking one?'
To which the boy responded, 'The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think!'
thezombiemessia
23-12-09, 15:12
Why don't Boxers have sex before they fight?
Because they don't fancy each other!
Why don't Boxers have sex before they fight?
Because they don't fancy each other!.....
Why don't Boxers have sex before they fight?
Because they don't fancy each other!
:giggle:
Sky_Dragon
23-12-09, 21:22
Why don't Boxers have sex before they fight?
Because they don't fancy each other!
So good!
Q. Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
A. Because he couldn't concentrate.
draconacticus
24-12-09, 16:28
What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe?
One has hydraulics, the other has high b-
draconacticus
28-12-09, 20:07
So did anyone get any new jokes I haven't heard before in their crackers?
what is the most smelly animal on a farm? ........ a toilet duck! lol a christmas cracker joke i hadn't heared before. wonders never cease.
draconacticus
29-12-09, 13:35
Did you hear about the Eskimo lottery?
You have to be inuit to win it :D
Also,
What's Tiger Woods' wife getting for xmas?
Half of everything :p