Start of a story:- Mist of Shadows

[Nocturnal Stillness]

"I m leaving," the man said firmly as he climbed into his car.

"But Brian why are you going? Nothing has happened has it?"

"No, I ve got to get out of this town, otherwise I ll never make something of myself."

Tara sighed as he shut the door. Brian didn t even look at her as he turned the key in the ignition. Moments later the car pulled off and left the house kicking up a cloud of dust from the ground.

"Goodbye then.Jerk." Tara said quietly annoyed he didn t even say bye. Without another word she turned and went back inside the house.

"Now what s on the radio," Brian muttered as he messed with the dial. He kept the car on the road as it headed towards the village gates. He thought briefly of Tara but it didn t matter he knew he had to leave this god-forsaken place. Not because it was bad but because it was too normal.

Brian finally settled on a local station, where the weather was being read out. Today our city is blessed with clear skies and lovely sunshine folks.Brian chuckled as it was obvious that they were wrong. The mist that his car was now driving through had come from nowhere.well he hadn t been paying attention enough to notice.

"Damn stupid mist, how am I going to see if there is any trouble ahead?"

Even as he said it someone seemed to appear in front of the car. Brian cursed as he was forced to swerve. The car spun and he heard the worrying thump as it hit something `alive .

"****, **** what have I hit?" he quickly climbed out the car. His vision was no more than about a couple of yards in front of him. Brian thought to himself then went back inside his car and flicked the headlights on. The bright bulbs cut through the haze.revealing a dark shadow slumped on the road.
Brian jumped out the car and ran to the unmoving figure. Oh Jeez don t be dead he thought grimly. He crouched by the person, it was a woman he realised noticing the long blonde hair and feminine curves. His heart hammered in his chest as the fear racked through his body. But suddenly as quickly as the mist seemed to appear the fear vanished.Brian cursed out loud as he realised that this `person was actually a shop dummy.

"What stupid dummy would leave a dummy out in the middle of a road?" Brian continued his muttering as he picked up the inanimate mannequin and carried her to the side of the road. With a determined grunt he flung it away. Smiling as he turned to go back to his vehicle.it quickly vanished.

The headlights that had moments before cut through the mist had gone, and Brian couldn t spot his car. Quickly he walked to where he was sure he had parked; convinced someone must have turned it off. A practical joker it must be.

Brian walked back but still couldn t see the car. He looked about trying to get his bearings and failing miserable. Bloody fog he cursed to himself as he began the long trek back into the village.the joker would pay.

Brian even let himself smile, he was certain he knew who it was. It didn t matter now that Ryan was Tara s brother. The idiot would pay. He had been walking for ages and he still hadn t seen the village gates. A firm hand touched his shoulder so he turned and saw nothing. Brian called out, he saw something in the mist move and then he screamed.

The first chapter of a new short story Im working on.

Opinions please

[seth ranson]

<-- wants to read on

a few things I ve found a bit strange while reading:

"Goodbye then.Jerk."I d have written jerk instead of Jerk, don t know if that s right or not

He crouched by the person, it was a woman he realised noticing the long blonde hair and feminine curves.
I d add a - there, because it s easier to read. like this

He crouched by the person, it was a woman - he realised noticing the long blonde hair and feminine curves.In the last sentence it seems like he screamed without any reason... is that supposed to be like this?

[Nocturnal Stillness]

Brian called out, he saw something in the mist move and then he screamed.

Brian screams because when he turns he sees something in the mist, i dont say what it is, so in a way he may be screaming at nothing but then again maybe he saw something that made him want to scream?

[seth ranson]

So, when will it continue?
<-- still wants to read on

[Nocturnal Stillness]

Well this is one of three projects Im working on at the moment.

Main Project: Lost Descendant; the follow up to my book

Second Project: New Vampire Story (No title yet)

Third Project: Mist of Shadows (this story)

im busy with these three projects as well as the press release of my book. Ill continue this as fast as I can, if you want Seth Ill PM you when its finished?

[seth ranson]

Yes, do that please.
Hey, I just rememered why this sounded a little familiar. It reminds me of The Fog. But then, there are a lot of horror stories with fog/mist. Hmm what was the difference between those...*goes and looks it up... maybe*

[Nocturnal Stillness]

Revised Chapter One plus Chapter Two and Three.

**** [sorry Ive gotta do it like this as quote doesnt seem to work for me]

Mist of Shadows

Chapter One

"I m leaving," the man said firmly as he climbed into his car.

"But why are you going?"

"I ve got to get out of this town; otherwise I ll never make something of myself."

Clare sighed as he shut the door. Shayne didn t even look at her as he turned the key in the ignition. Moments later the car pulled off and left the house kicking up a cloud of dust from the ground.

"Goodbye then.jerk." Clare said quietly annoyed he didn t even say bye. Without another word she turned and went back inside the house.

Now what s on the radio? Shayne thought as he messed with the dial. He kept the car on the road as it headed towards the village gates. He thought briefly of Clare but it didn t matter, he knew he had to leave this god-forsaken place. Not because it was bad but because it was too normal.

Shayne finally settled on a local station, where the weather was being read out. Today our city is blessed with clear skies and lovely sunshine folks.Shayne chuckled as it was obvious that they were wrong. The mist that his car was now driving through had come from nowhere.well he hadn t been paying attention enough to notice.

"Damn stupid mist, how am I going to see if there is any trouble ahead?"

Even as he said it someone seemed to appear in front of the car. Shayne cursed as he was forced to swerve. The car spun and he heard the worrying thump as it hit something `alive .

"****, **** what have I hit?" he quickly climbed out the car. His vision was no more than about a couple of yards in front of him. Shayne thought to himself then went back inside his car and flicked the headlights on. The bright bulbs cut through the haze.revealing a dark shadow slumped on the road.

Shayne jumped out the car and ran to the unmoving figure. Oh Jeez don t be dead he thought grimly. He crouched by the person, he realised it was a woman - noticing the long blonde hair and feminine curves. His heart hammered in his chest as the fear racked through his body. But as quickly as the mist seemed to appear the fear vanished.Shayne cursed out loud as he realised that this `person was actually a shop dummy.

"What stupid dummy would leave a dummy out in the middle of a road?" Shayne continued his muttering as he picked up the inanimate mannequin and carried her to the side of the road. With a determined grunt he flung it away. Smiling as he turned to go back to his vehicle.the smile quickly disappeared.

The headlights that had moments before cut through the mist had vanished and Shayne couldn t spot his car. Quickly he walked to where he was sure he had parked; convinced someone must have turned it off. A practical joker it must be.

Shayne walked back but still couldn t see the car. He looked about trying to get his bearings and failing miserable. Bloody fog he cursed to himself as he began the long trek back into the village.the joker would pay.

Shayne even let himself smile, he was certain he knew who it was. It didn t matter now that Ryan was Clare s brother. The idiot would pay. He had been walking for ages and he still hadn t seen the village gates. A firm hand touched his shoulder so he turned and saw nothing. Shayne called out, he saw something in the mist move towards him.


Chapter Two

The bleating of her alarm brought Clare out of her peaceful slumber. She sat up glancing at the space next to her.thoughts quickly drifted towards Shayne. She wondered if he had arrived at his mother s house in the city. Absent-mindedly Clare reached for the phone at the side of her bed, but just as her fingers touched the phone it burst into life ringing loudly.

"Hello?" Clare asked sleepily as she picked up the receiver.

"Clare? Is that you sweetie?"

She recognised the voice instantly; it was Karen, Shayne s mother.

"Oh Hi Karen, yeah it s me I was thinking of calling you, how is Shayne?"

"What.I thought he was at yours? He didn t show up last night so I thought he d saw sense and stopped with you."

"No, he left last night I saw him," a knock at the door interrupted them, I ve got to go Karen someone is at the door, speak to you soon."

Clare sighed as she hung up then headed down stairs and answered the door. She put on her best smile that went as soon as she saw the officer who stood outside.

"Good Morning Clare," said Officer Bass,

"Morning Doyle what brings you to my abode?"

"Bad news I m afraid, we found Shayne s car just outside the village. At first I just thought he d broke down so I spoke to Al at the repair shop he hasn t had any calls last night. He left the keys in the ignition but we can t see any sign of where he went."

"Was he mugged? Or kidnapped?"

"I m not sure, there is no blood or even a sign of a struggle we just don t have a single lead. That s why I m here, do you know where he intended to go?"

"Yeah he was leaving me and going to his mom s in the city."

"I see.," Officer Doyle Bass paused for a moment, "I always thought he was a bastard but I never thought he d have left you like that."

"It s okay Doyle, he thought the village was holding him back and he wanted to do something better with his life."

"You should have picked me, I told you he was no good. How anyone could think having you and not being happy. They must be crazy."

"Doyle, look I know you like me but I ve never liked you that way. You ve always been more like a brother to me."

"Yeah.I know. I m just Doyle not Shayne the ladies man. I may not look as good as him, but I d sure as hell treated you better than that slime ball."

Officer Bass wished Clare goodbye and then headed back to his car. He wished that she would see sense. But he knew no matter what he did girls would always prefer the `Shayne s of the world. Doyle climbed into his car and started the engine all the time hoping that wherever the hell he d vanished to that Shayne was suffering.

Chapter Three

The village was dark and silent as the populace slept peacefully in their beds. All was still apart from the shadow that darted between buildings. Seth paused for a moment making sure the coast was clear. He moved quietly through the village and settled on a target. He crept towards the back door of the chosen house, only stopping to pull out a snub-nose revolver out his jacket.

This was only his first job and he didn t intend to use it. But he was of the opinion that he could use it if discovered to scare the homeowner into giving up his valuables.

Clutching the revolver he gave one of the glass panels a swift tap with the handle. It shattered and let him unlock the door. Seth entered quickly and listened carefully to see if he could hear anything. The house stayed silent.Hey maybe I ve hit the jackpot and picked an empty house. Seth thought. He ventured deeper into the building. Several steps into the next room however and a torch beam pierced the darkness. Seth heard someone say something and he responded by firing off a few shots. He saw someone stagger backwards and collapse to the floor.

"****, Oh ****!" Seth said panicking; He spun around and burst out the back. He was certain someone would hear the shots and intended to flee as quickly as possible. However his plans to escape were halted for a moment when he hit the garden.he froze confused. It seemed different there seemed to be a lot more shadows than when he entered but he couldn t determine the source of the light. I m losing it Seth thought and ran across. He d picked up a fair bit of pace but he never made it. He tripped and hit the ground hard. He looked back as he was sure someone had grabbed his ankle, but no-one was around and the home owner would still be down bleeding to death.

Seth tried to regain his footing but couldn t something was touching him. He could feel it enveloping his entire body. It felt warm but it also felt wrong so he tried to struggle, to break free. But it was hopeless, whatever it was it was too strong for Seth. He cried out and tried to plea for his life, moments later there was a loud crack and Seth was silenced.

****

So again opinions please

[seth ranson]

Nice. Now I m waiting for the next chapter...

(oh, and I replied a little late on purpose, because I think people are more likely to click on the topic when it says last post: today.. )

[Nocturnal Stillness]

Im working on an anthology at the moment, so I will be adding this story to the list and will be reworking it into a short story format so it suits the theme of the book :)

[Parjay]

Stick to the old he/she/they/I/(character) said convention; its classically amateurish to overdo it with the "****, Oh ****!" Seth said panicking, especially when its quite clear from the dialog whats going on.

[thezombiemessia]

Too much like Silent Hill. Itll either be classed as fan-fiction or a law-suit waiting to happen.

It may become something completely different in the future, but at the moment it is very Silent Hill esque.


On top of that, the talking feels very un-natural. The way the characters talk and act just doesnt seem right and needs to be improved.

Also, the way their thoughts are written should be edited to seem seperate from the rest of the text...otherwise it doesnt feel seperate, even with the Itallics.

There are also a few grammatical and punctuational problems.

But everything else is still solid, as usual.

[Nocturnal Stillness]

thanks for the replies.

TZM its funny that you say its like silent hill because I dont like Silent Hill Im actually using The Mist by Steven King as what inspired me to do the mist as well as the film The fog

Again thanks for the comments.

its always appreeciated.

Matt

[thezombiemessia]

Youll find the The Mist is one of the inspirations for Silent Hill, along with books by people like Dean Koontz, etc.

[Nocturnal Stillness]

Youll find the The Mist is one of the inspirations for Silent Hill, along with books by people like Dean Koontz, etc.

Thats interesting. I didnt know that :)

Anyway thanks again for replying.

Matt

[Clayonite]

Im not too sure about the title for the piece. It sounds a bit hard, and to me it doesnt make too much sense beyond implying its something gloomy and scary and that it contains a lot of mist.
A good idea might be to take a fragment of the original plot behind the mist [that only you know] and base the title on that, without spoling anything, so itll come as a surprise but also explain the true meaning of the title to the reader as they discover the plot throughout reading the book.

The reason why Silent Hill have such a straight forward and vague title is because games work differently from books, and they have to sell the game experience rather than the plot, as most people dont buy games for its plot, but the game mechanic/mood/art style.
Silent Hill have multiple endings and no real definitive story line, so what defines the games is actually in some sense the title.

However, with books you have the freedom to give titles with a twist and a deeper meaning, and you should take advantage of that.